


A Perfect Disaster

by srowe23555



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Fingering, Homosexuality, M/M, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, mentions anal sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-04
Updated: 2013-07-04
Packaged: 2017-12-17 15:50:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/869257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/srowe23555/pseuds/srowe23555
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: Louis is university in London. He suffers from an eating disorder and depression. He needs an escape so he makes a blog where he meets a boy named Harry who has the same problem as him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Perfect Disaster

 

Louis wasn’t sure what state of mind he was in the day he made a tumblr (his URL was car0usel, which he very creatively took from a song with the same name- purely because he loved the song and he felt the lyrics suited him), but it was probably the best mistake he’d ever made. You see, even though he had absolutely no clue how the hell he even posted pictures let alone actually _worked_ the bloody thing and made a decent blog out of it at first, it eventually created an escape for him. It was an escape from the pressure of university assignments and classes, work and just life in general. It gave him a chance to escape into his own little world, even just for an hour, where he got to express himself through his blog.

This was where he found the tags on tumblr. More specifically, the self-harm and eating disorder tags. He knew it was stupid. He knew exactly what he was doing. He also knew it was everything he needed at the time. He needed to meet people like him; people with the same problems as him. He just needed someone who understood exactly what he was going through.

He felt like an idiot at first. Why was he even bothering trying to connect with these people, whose problems were so much worse than his? Hell, he didn’t even have anything exactly _wrong_ with him. He starved himself because he thought he was fat, he cut as punishment for binging or when he felt too numb. It was too simple to be a real problem though. Did he even cut for a good enough reason?  Were his eating habits bad enough to be an eating disorder? He didn’t even purge, or cut with a razor. Maybe he wasn’t even worthy enough of having a problem.

After a while though, he felt like maybe he fit in, even just a little bit. He’d found a few blogs who posted things he thought described him perfectly, he’d get plenty of notes  on pictures he’d post himself that he thought described him perfectly, and he’d even talked to a few people who knew how he felt. There was one person in particular he was especially fond of, who’s URL was make-me-skinand-bones (which he found very fitting, and also found a new band out of it when he learnt the URL doubled as song lyrics). He preferred to call this friend Harry though. It was simpler, and made him feel more connected to his new friend than it would have if he had to keep calling him “make me skin and bones” all the time.

He felt a little guilty when admitting it, but he preferred Harry over his non-tumblr friends. Aside from the fact that Harry knew every feeling Louis ever experienced, and not only accepted it but knew exactly how he felt, he was just so much easier to get along with. With his friends at uni and work he had to constantly be hiding himself: physically and emotionally. It was exhausting. With Harry though, he could always be completely _Louis_ and Harry would still love him (Louis tried not to think about how wrong it probably was that they’d never actually met or talked anywhere other than tumblr yet they could still admit they loved each other).

But whatever, it is what it is.

~

Louis adjusted his shirt for what he counted to be the eighth time that day; but he wasn’t keeping track or anything. That would be insane. He looked up when one of his friends spoke, asking if he was coming. Louis mumbled a quiet “yeah, sorry”, before sighing and following them to where his friends decided they would all be going for lunch. To say Louis was dreading it would be an understatement. He was just about ready to turn around and run; maybe get hit by a car or something on the way, who knows. That would be stupid though. Then they would know something’s wrong, and that couldn’t happen. He’d been doing this for 4 months already, he could do it now.

He put on the best fake smile he could muster and jogged up to his friends, joining in their conversation and laughing at whatever it was they were saying. He wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince he was fine: them, or himself.

Quicker than Louis would have liked, they arrived at the small coffee shop/café; located a few buildings down from their university campus. He walked in with his friends and tried his best to hide how much he would rather be anywhere but there. He stood at the back of the line behind all his friends, hoping it’d give him enough time to find something small.

Just as he arrived at the counter and the girl gave him a disgustingly friendly smile he blurted the first thing he saw that looked like it could pass.

Unfortunately, it was a chocolate muffin. Fuck.

Louis quickly handed the correct change to the girl and snatched the muffin from where she’d placed it in front of him on the counter. He mumbled a quiet thank you to her then tried to get a hold of his nerves before he reached the table where his friends were already seated and waiting for him.

“Is that it, Louis?” One friend asked, eyeing Louis suspiciously.

Louis gulped and gave a short, nervous laugh. “Yeah, not that hungry,” he lied. When no one said anything, Louis sat down and immediately whipped out his phone.

 _Harry, I bought a muffin and it’s fucking chocolate. What if I binge?_ He quickly typed to Harry. He prayed that Harry would see his message and reply before his friends noticed he hadn’t even touched his food since he sat down.

Louis’ eating habits were completely messed up, to put it lightly. See, he’d been told he was skinny all his life, and for a while he believed it. Then one day, it was like a switch was flicked inside of him and he started seeing every little flaw on his body. The thing was though, even when he hated himself as much as he did and tried his absolute hardest to restrict, he just could never bring himself to do so. He can’t even remember the last time he went a whole day without binging, or at least breaking his meal plan by snacking in the afternoon or something. He hated that almost as much as he hated himself. He just felt pathetic.

_Hey mate. Just pick at it for a bit. Nibble. Drink lots of water. If it’s in a container or something squish it down and throw it out when you’ve had enough. Hope this helped. Good luck, too. I know how hard it is to stop once you start, but I believe in you. Also, message me when you get home, I know you’ll want to cut. Love you xx_

Louis nearly cried at Harry’s reply. He understood him so well and it made Louis feel sick to his very core that someone as perfect as Harry was actually truly a part of his life.

For the first time in a long while, Louis didn’t finish that muffin. He picked at it for a bit; he nibbled; he drank lots of water; he squashed it into the paper it came in; he threw it out when he’d had enough. And Jesus Christ, did Louis love Harry at the moment.

~

 _Harry?_ Louis sent to his friend, hoping for an immediate response.

 _Yeah Lou?_ Louis sighed in relief when he received the message not a minute later. Louis paused, his fingers hovering over his keyboard as he tried to collect his thoughts and figure out exactly what he wanted to say to Harry. He’d had a bad day; a horrible day. He just needed to vent.

_I just hate everything. I hate being addicted to binging, but I hate being addicted to starving myself. I hate that I hurt myself as punishment, but regret loving the pain. I hate that I feel so little towards myself and my feelings, but have such high standards in other people. I just hate absolutely everything about me and this stupid ‘life’ I’ve given myself. That’s another thing I hate: the fact that I’m too much of a stupid pussy to cut or purge. What does that make me apart from absolutely useless? I’m too messed up to be normal, but I can’t even be messed up without screwing that up too. What the hell is wrong with me? I just hate everything about me. And no one gets it. I just feel so stupid and no one even knows. I hate wanting to distance myself from everyone, but not wanting to lose them. Am I really that bloody pathetic? Why can’t I just make up my mind?_

By the time Louis had finished typing his rant to Harry and pressed send with shaking hands, he was just about ready to break. He could almost _feel_ his heart slowly ripping apart. It was like everyone and everything that had ever hurt him, the ones who made him how he was, were all coming together and tugging on his heart, tearing it like paper and pulling the threads that had held it together for so long.

_I know, Lou. It’s OK. You’re OK. I promise. I know you don’t believe me at all, I definitely wouldn’t if I were you right now, but you need to know how much I care for you, OK? I know you’re confused and upset, but you will feel better soon. I promise x_

Louis cried harder. Without saying it, Harry told him it was OK to cut. It was just the way their relationship worked. _He will feel better soon._

With trembling hands and tears streaming free down his cheeks, Louis picked up his scissors from next to his bed. He stripped himself of his clothes and sat, trying to find the perfect place. Louis studied all his cuts and scars that were already scattered on his hips and arms, and the long line of them trailing all the way down his stomach from one particularly bad night. He gripped his scissors tightly, attempting to stop his hand from shaking, and placed them over his arm. He paused for a moment, before pressing the tip of the scissors to his arm until he could no longer see it. Afterwards, he yanked the scissors towards him, ripping a scarlet line into his arm. Almost instinctively, he put two fingers on either side and pulled apart his flesh to open up the wound. Louis grabbed his scissors again and traced the now bleeding cut with them. He giggled psychotically as the blood beaded on his arm and sent tingles shooting through his body. He repeated this 9 more times; 4 more in line with the first, and 5 on his hip. _That’ll do for tonight_ , he thought to himself. Louis wiped his scissors clean of his blood and bits of skin that got stuck and set them back next to his bed. _You’ve hurt yourself enough_.

~

Louis awoke to his phone buzzing lightly next to his bed. He kept one eye shut as he picked it up and squinted while he tried to clearly see the screen to type in his password. After a couple failed attempts, he finally got the message open.

 _Louis, I’ve decided to do distance ed with my uni._ Why would Harry need to do distance education with his university when he literally lived right next to the campus?

_Please don’t tell me it’s because you can’t be bothered to get out bed and walk the whole ten metres to your fucking classes, Harry._

_Don’t be a dick. It’s because I’m moving._ Harry shot back, and Louis was a little taken aback by how quickly he replied. Or maybe it was just because Louis didn’t function to his full potential until after about an hour of being awake that made it seem like Harry replied quickly. Whatever.

_Moving? Where to?_

_Guess._

Louis sighed. It was way too early to be playing games and Harry knew it, the stupid shit.

_I give up._

_You didn’t even guess, idiot._ Louis could picture him grinning like a stupid fuck at his phone and if he wasn’t living 136843 hours away Louis would punch him square in the nose.

_Fine. Holmes Chapel?_

_That’s where I already live, Louis._ Louis snickered. Oh yeah. _Do you want me to just tell you?_

YES YES YES YES PLEASE.

_Ok. If you really want to, Harry._

_London._ London. _I’m moving to London, Lou. I’m leaving this afternoon._

London.

Wait.

This afternoon.

_BUT THAT’S WHERE I LIVE. HARRY. HARRY I LIVE IN LONDON. HARRY._

_You’re so stupid in the morning, Louis._

_Wanker._

Louis may or may not have let his phone drop on the floor as he let go of it and threw himself back down onto his pillow. That didn’t matter though, because _Harry was moving to London. That afternoon._ Not only did they get to actually see each other in person for the first time ever, but they got to live in the same city and Louis didn’t know if he could handle that. He didn’t know if he would be able to cope knowing he would actually be able to see Harry in person, and that they wouldn’t be restricted to tumblr or texting on the rare occasions Harry was actually bothered to buy credit for his phone.

Louis’ phone buzzed again, but he ignored; until it buzzed again. He sighed and, maybe a little dramatically, rolled over and snatched his phone off the ground. It was only then that he realised it was buzzing a lot because his work was calling him. Ugh, no.

“Hello?” He tried to sound like he didn’t wake up a few minutes and didn’t want to punch his manager and whoever from his work was calling him. He wasn’t sure if it worked or not.

“Louis, are you available to come to work in an hour?” His manager asked in her overly cheerful voice that made Louis want to kill himself more than he already did (if that was even possible).

“Um, no sorry. I have personal matters to take care of.” He tried to make his excuse sound as sincere as possible. It’s not like he was actually lying, Harry moving was a pretty important personal matter.

“Oh, ok. No worries.” His manager hung up and Louis laughed a little because he could tell she was angry. That was ok though, because _Harry._

Louis sighed again. He was beginning to think sighing was becoming a habit of his. Oh well, he had a fair few habits he’d gotten into in the last few months; sighing a lot was the least of his worries.

Seeing as Louis had the day off work and didn’t have anything that he immediately had to do/ felt like doing for university he opened up his laptop and signed into tumblr. He found it a little sad that all he had to do was type in the letter t then press enter and it took him to his dash, but his life was a little sad so it kind of made sense.

The first thing he noticed when it opened was Harry’s recent text post: “moving to London today! Finally get to meet the person most important to my life. It’s a bit sad though, that we haven’t met and I rely on them like oxygen. Oooooooooppppppppssssssss. Ok bye loves xx” and he may or may not have gotten a tad choked up because Harry said Louis was the most important thing in his life and he _relied on him like oxygen._

_Like fucking oxygen._

~

The next few hours were hell to say the least. Louis was pretty sure if he didn’t get a text from Harry soon he would have gone mad. Luckily, at about 3 in the afternoon Harry texted him saying he’d just arrived in London and wanted to know Louis’ address so he could visit him. Instead, because Louis knew it would be too hard for Harry to try and find his house before dark, they arranged to meet at a park close to where Harry was staying until his flat was organised. So at 3:12pm Louis was reversing out of his driveway and almost speeding to the park where he would finally get to meet the only person that had had a significant, life-changing, ever-lasting impact on his life.

The entire drive there he was thinking _HarryHarryHarry,_ so when he got there and saw Harry sitting on a bench with his back facing him Louis almost crumbled like a biscuit. He needed something terribly witty and clever and funny to say to him so Harry wouldn’t see how he was actually trying really hard not to set himself on fire.

Unfortunately, the best he could come up with was a tap on the shoulder and an “excuse me sir, are you tumblr user make me skin and bones” with a stupidly cheesy grin plastered on his face.

“Louis…” Harry breathed and stood up. Louis was surprised to find the boy younger than him by a few years was a whole head taller.

“Hi.” Louis whispered. Why was it that he could tell this boy his darkest secrets, but when seeing him in person he couldn’t even greet him without having his breath taken?

“You’re tiny, Lou.” Harry laughed breathlessly, and patted Louis on the top of his head as if to prove his point.

“Ok.” Louis wanted to punch himself because that didn’t even make sense.

 Harry took a step back and Louis could finally get a good look at the boy Louis had been talking to for almost half a year. Not only was he tall, but he was gorgeous. His tight pants emphasised how long and skinny his legs were, and the shirt he was wearing was clinging in just the right places so Louis could see just how skinny this boy really was. He was really, _really_ skinny and Louis suddenly got a wave of jealousy and self-consciousness crashing into him.

Harry must’ve noticed Louis staring, because he tugged on his shirt so it hung off him in a way that you’d have no idea of his body shape. Louis knew that was the point.

“Louis.” He said it like a statement, but Louis felt the need to answer him anyway; if only to distract himself from trying to catch glimpses of Harry’s ribs under his shirt.

“Yeah?”

“Can you take me to your house?”

“Yeah.” And so he did.

~

Two hours later and Louis and Harry had gotten over the whole ‘we only just met and we have no idea how to act around each other even though we have been talking for months’ stage. They were sitting on Louis’ bed talking about, well, _everything_. Work, uni, school, family, friends, love: anything and everything. Louis loved how easy it was to talk to Harry. He would spend the rest of his life talking to Harry if he could.

In the short time they’d talked in person (Louis still couldn’t believe they were actually talking for real) Louis had already learnt every aspect of Harry’s life possible if he didn’t already know it before, and Harry had learnt the same about Louis. Like he’d learnt that Harry had one sister and Louis had four, and Harry’s mum had just gotten re-married and Louis’ was engaged to be, and Harry had no idea at all how he came to hate himself so much, just like Louis.

“Louis?” Louis had discovered that Harry seemed to always say his name before changing the subject; he wasn’t even sure Harry realised he was doing it but Louis decided he could add it to his ‘cute things that Harry does that makes me want to neck myself’ list that he’d made in his head when they met.

“Yeah, Harry?” Louis smiled up at the boy next to him. He looked beautiful with the afternoon sun shining onto him from Louis’ window.

“Can, um, can you…” Harry’s brow furrowed and Louis wondered if he was going to change his mind and not ask him whatever it is he wanted to know. “Can you maybe take your clothes off?”

He wanted Louis to take his clothes off?

Louis wondered if Harry misinterpreted his curiosity as offence or something when he hurried on with: “not in a sexual way! I just, I want to see what you look like.”

So, even though both boys were extremely self-conscious and covered in scars, they stripped in front of each other; their bodies glowing in the afternoon light.

“You’re so pretty Louis.”

Louis wasn’t even sure if he was meant to hear that, but Harry’s words had his eyes darting up to meet the gaze of the naked boy in front of him. Harry smiled, but not his usual cheesy grin that Louis had come to love; a small, soft one that radiated love and warmth and Louis just wanted bury himself in it.

Harry stretched out his arm and Louis could only stand in fascination as Harry’s fingers ghosted over his collar bones and ribs and hips and as much Louis wanted to hate that Harry was touching his body he just couldn’t seem to do it.

So, Louis felt it was only fair, he reached out his arm and began to do the same to Harry. He started at his collar bones, tracing his fingers over the bones that really shouldn’t be that easy to see. Then he counted Harry’s ribs, rubbing the last one so lightly Louis wasn’t even sure if Harry could feel it. Louis’ hands moved down to Harry’s jutting hip bones and ran his fingers over them as if they would shatter if he pressed any harder.  Louis felt bad that Harry couldn’t see this: all he saw was the fat that clung to his stomach and hips and covered his ribs; the same as Louis. Louis silently wished that Harry could see how beautiful he really was.

Louis closed his eyes and let his hands roam Harry’s body; placing tender touches to each of Harry’s too-prominent bones. He was concentrating more on the touches he was receiving from Harry: the way his hands massaged his collar bones and traced his ribs and rubbed circles in his back and hips. Normally Louis wouldn’t even let people touch him, especially naked; but Harry was different. Louis had no idea what it was, maybe that Harry understood him so perfectly, but he felt nothing but love and comfort in every gentle caress Harry was gracing his body with.

And fuck. Louis was in love.

~

Louis’ phone buzzed next to him and he smiled to see it was Harry calling. They’d become closer than ever in the last two weeks since Harry had first moved to London. He was still not in his flat yet (something about legal documents or whatever, it was really none of Louis’ business) so on the nights he really didn’t feel like staying at the motel he stayed on Louis’ couch. Louis didn’t mind: they’d stay up until around 10 each night then Harry would wake Louis with gentle touches before he had to go to work or uni and Harry had to do stuff for his flat, go job hunting or do uni work.

“Hello?” Louis asked, despite knowing who was on the other end.

“Louis, can I ask a favour of you?” Harry sounded desperate and maybe a little angry, which honestly surprised Louis a little.

“Yeah, of course.” Louis replied, curiosity and concern clear in his voice.

Harry explained how the legal documentation that needed to be done was sorting out the legitimacy of the sellers or whatever, and how it was all a fake. So basically, Harry was about to buy a house that he wouldn’t actually get. He’d just be paying other people’s bills and whatnot.

“Well you can’t live in a motel forever. What are you going to do?” Louis replied after ranting about how rude those people were and how they deserved to “burn in the fiery depths of Hell”.

“Not sure yet. I’m thinking maybe see if they have any flats I can rent until I find a new one. Honestly though, that’s too much effort and I don’t have the money, so I’m not too sure what to do there.”

Hearing the defeat in Harry’s voice made Louis’ heart start to do flips in his chest.

“Harry?”

“Yeah, Lou?”

“Do you maybe want to stay with me?” Louis tried to swallow the nervous lump that had grown in his throat; unfortunately it didn’t budge so he was left feeling sick and choked up while waiting for Harry to answer.

“Are you serious?” Louis could hear the smile in Harry’s voice, and he wanted to shoot himself then and there because he just couldn’t deal with Harry’s shit anymore.

“Yeah. If you want to…” Louis whispered, and he was surprised that Harry actually heard him.

“I’d like that very much. Thank you.”

They exchanged goodbyes and Harry hung up his phone leaving Louis sitting on his bed trying to stifle the giant grin attempting to force its way onto his face. It didn’t work.

~

“Harry why the fuck did you buy this, you know I’m going to binge on it! I thought you agreed to eating only low calorie shit to stop us from binging!” Louis really didn’t mean to raise his voice, especially at Harry, but he was just angry at himself for making Harry only buy celery and coke because Louis had zero self-control.

“It’s OK, Lou. I’ll throw it out or something. We don’t have to eat it if you don’t want us to. It’s alright.” Harry picked up the grocery bags and started to carry them out to the bin.

“Harry no wait!” Louis reached out his arm and stopped Harry from walking any further. He waited until Harry was facing him before continuing. “I’m sorry. It’s not like you went out and bought us bags of fat. Everything in there is healthy and I really had no reason to get upset about it.” Louis sighed and looked down at his feet. From his position he only saw the bags touch the ground and Harry’s feet step closer to his own. Louis felt a hand, Harry’s hand, under his chin and he lifted it up to meet Harry’s steady gaze.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” Louis could barely manage a whisper.

Without saying another word, Harry placed a gentle kiss on Louis’ forehead and began unpacking the groceries in the kitchen. Louis watched as Harry placed the final item in the fridge then stood for a few seconds before turning to face him.

“I thought we could just purge anyway. I only got this stuff so we had a bit of variety, like to taste at least.”

“Harry, I-“ Louis wasn’t quite sure how to put into words how he felt. Harry truly was thinking when he did it, and Louis was still a dick about it. He was about to run over and squeeze him or kiss him or whatever, when he was struck with another thought. “Harry, I can’t purge.”

“You can’t?” Harry looked up in confusion. Louis guessed that was one thing they didn’t share. Louis couldn’t purge. “What do you mean you can’t?”

“Like, I try and I gag then, I don’t know, I guess I just freak out and don’t actually let it come up. I just get thick spit.” Louis thought it was strange that if he were having this conversation with anyone else it would be extremely awkward and uncomfortable; but with Harry it seemed normal. He also thought that was a little depressing.

“Oh. Well that’s OK, it just means it might take a little longer for you to reach your goal weight I guess. You’ve got a good body anyway, Lou. I know how it feels to be told that though, and I understand that you’re not happy with it. You’re body, I mean. I’m just saying you don’t need to feel like you _have_ to purge or whatever. If you want the taste still you can just spit it out; that way you’re getting the taste but you don’t have to swallow it. I wouldn’t judge you for that or anything. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Sorry.” Harry smiled and looked down at his feet. Louis couldn’t decide if he wanted to punch him or kiss him.

“Thank you, Harry.” Louis wasn’t quite sure why he was thanking Harry, but it just felt right.

Harry looked up and met Louis’ gaze. They remained in that position for what Louis thought felt like forever; he didn’t mind though. Forever was a good amount of time to spend looking into Harry’s eyes.

“Louis,” Harry whispered and took a step towards him. Louis closed the gap between them, until all he had to do was lean forward the tiniest bit and he could do the one thing he’d been thinking of doing for a while now.

And so he did.

~

“Louis?”

Louis really wasn’t in the mood for, well, _anything_ , so he gave Harry a simple “mmm?” in response; so he at least knew he was kind of paying attention.

“Can we, um, you know…?” Louis raised his eyes from where he was picking at the fabric on his shirt to see Harry tapping a scar on his wrist.

Oh. That.

“I’d love to.” Louis stood up and followed Harry into their bathroom and watched as Harry closed the door. Louis opened the cupboard above the sink and pulled out the box at the back. He lifted up the lid and handed it to Harry. “Take your pick.”

Harry lifted up a razor from the box and handed it back to Louis, who picked out his favourite pair of scissors. He found it a little depressing that this was becoming almost ritualistic; but then again, their lives were a little depressing.

Louis watched as Harry stripped himself of his clothes and waited while Louis did the same. Both boys were now completely naked and on the verge of tears: a delightful combination.

They sat on the cold tiles and faced each other: weapons of destruction at the ready.

“Wanna talk about it?” Harry whispered; and that was how they spent the next hour: sitting on the chilled floor of their stained bathroom cutting their bodies, crying and confiding in each other.

The worst bit? They always looked forward to moments like these. It was OK thought; at least they had each other. It didn’t matter how bad they got, as long as they still had each other.

~

“We have a week left of university, we have to do _something_ to celebrate.” Louis was surprised to have received a call from one of his friends; he’d been spending so much time with Harry he’d almost forgotten about them. He probably would have too, if they weren’t all at the same university.

“No thank you. I’m sorry. I’ve just finished the last of my exams; I need to relax a bit.” In all honesty though, he just didn’t feel like going out.

“Harry’s coming.”

“You asked Harry before me?”

“I saw him earlier.”

“Oh.” Louis sat in silence for a moment; pondering his next move. “I guess I’ll go.”

“Excellent. I’ll pick you and Harry up at 6; we’ll meet the others there.”

Louis sighed and hung up his phone. Stupid Harry. He bet he didn’t even want to go; just said yes because he’s too nice to everyone to turn them down.

“Lou?” Harry called from where Louis assumed was somewhere near the front door.

“I’m up here.” Louis called back, and smiled when he heard Harry bounding up the stairs. Louis was almost positive that kid was part puppy or something.

Harry stopped in Louis’ doorway and smiled. Louis just waved him over and he watched in silence as Harry grinned and sat down on his bed next to him.

“Are we going out tonight?” Harry asked once he was seated.

“I think so. Do you want to?”

“I’m not sure, to be honest. I mean, it will be nice to celebrate us graduating, but I really do not feel like going anywhere.”

“Me either.” Louis sighed and rested his head on Harry’s shoulder. He smiled and closed his eyes when Harry’s hand immediately started playing with his hair.

“We can go for a little bit then leave, if you want?” Harry suggested. Louis nodded once before sighing as Harry continued to play with his hair.

They sat like that; their backs against the head of the bed, Harry’s hand in Louis’ hair, Louis’ head on Harry’s shoulder, for an hour, maybe a bit more. They were lost in each other; lost in the moment.

“Should we get ready then?” Harry finally whispered. Louis could only sigh in response as Harry’s comforting hand left his hair and he was gently pushed off his shoulder.

Louis watched as Harry began shuffling around the room, gathering the things he needed to get ready to go. Louis decided he probably should be too, so he grabbed some decent clothes from his wardrobe and threw them on; he was too lazy to shower. He could just have one when they got back.

Half an hour later, Harry was standing at the door to the room waiting for Louis to put his shoes on while his friend sat in the driveway beeping his horn with impatience.

“Tonight’s gonna be shit.”

“Let’s get it over and done with then.”

~

“Told you so.” Louis sniped as soon as he and Harry closed the front door.

Actually, it was more than just ‘shit’. It was a fucking nightmare. First, Louis realised Harry hadn’t met the majority of his friends so he had to deal with awkward introductions which he’d always hated. Then, one of Louis’ friends decided to bring up Louis’ lack of time spent with them at a _celebration_ , which put Louis in a bad mood. _Then_ , his friends ordered a fucking buffet which both Louis and Harry had to force down. So basically, Louis really wished Harry said no so then he could’ve said no and instead they could’ve spent the night in bed on tumblr.

“Louis?”

“Yeah Harry?”

Instead of replying, Harry surged towards him and placed his hands on Louis’ hips.

“Louis.” Harry said again, but Louis wasn’t sure if he was even meant to hear that.

Louis pressed his lips to Harry’s; they both knew that’s what they really wanted anyway. It began gentle, soft; soon however, it escalated into rough and messy and Louis could no longer tell which bits were Harry’s body and which were his as he was carried in a tangled, heated mess up to their room. Louis couldn’t control the moan that escaped his lips, not when Harry was on top of him and somehow they had no clothes on and Harry’s pupils were so dilated you couldn’t see any colour and Harry was _growling_.

“You ever done this before?” Harry growl-whispered in Louis’ ear and he couldn’t even concentrate on Harry’s words when his voice was just so damn _sexy_.

“Hmm?”

“Have you ever had anal, Louis?” Harry sighed and gave Louis a stupid, cheeky, dimpled grin and he really just wanted to kill himself; even more than usual.

“Oh. Yeah. Once or twice.” Louis shrugged. He wanted Harry to just do it already. And he also wasn’t about to tell him that he’d never done it with another actual person before. Not bottoming anyway.

“’Kay, good.” Harry said and grabbed lube and a condom from god knows where and began to lather his fingers in it.

Louis closed his eyes and let his head tip back as Harry slowly pushed his first finger in. He concentrated on it thrusting in and out before he felt another burst of searing pain and pleasure, which Louis realised was Harry putting another finger in.

“We gonna do this every time?” Harry asked and Louis wanted to hit him because was he really trying to have a conversation at a time like this?

“What do you mean?”

“Am I gonna be the one fucking you every time?” Louis wanted to hit him again. Why was this boy so blunt?

“Fuck, no I prefer to top. Can we talk about this later?”

Harry smiled and Louis couldn’t help the moan that escaped his lips as Harry slipped in a third finger.

“Ready.” Louis huffed out. Harry extracted his fingers and Louis whimpered in anticipation. He felt pathetic because he _whimpered_ , but he didn’t care. Harry was worth it. Harry wouldn’t judge. Harry was nothing but kind to Louis and he’d probably get turned on from having Louis whimpering underneath him anyway.

Louis shuddered at the absence of Harry’s body while he put the condom on and covered it in lube.

“Ready?”

“Ready.” Louis repeated. He gasped when he felt the tip of Harry’s cock trying to squeeze through his entrance.

“Relax, Lou.” Harry whispered and Louis immediately did what he was told. That was probably the first time ever Louis did what he was told without questioning it. Fuck you Harry.

If Louis were in any other more sensible circumstance he would have laughed because he said fuck you Harry while Harry was fucking him.

Haha. Fuck everything.

~

“How’s your ass, Louis?” Harry teased the next morning.

“Fuck off.” Louis grumbled and put his finger in the air.

“OK.” Harry grinned and if Louis wasn’t in such a fragile state he’d leap over to the stupid boy sitting at the stupid dining table and punch him in the nuts. Harry was actually lucky Louis’ ass was too sore to even walk properly. Stupid Harry and his insanely large dick.

“You have the day off today.”

“No shit.”

“Shut up. Let me finish.”

“Hurry up then.”

“Do you wanna do something? Today, I mean.”

“If you plan to have sex with me then no, no I do not wanna do something today, Harry.”

“I don’t mean that something you dick. I’m trying to ask you on a date if you’d quit being an asshole to me for one second.”

Oh. A date. They’d never actually been on a date before.

“I would love that. Thank you.” Louis’ tone softened and he honestly felt like he was about to cry.

“OK, don’t get all teary on me. I swear you’re like, secretly a hormonal girl or something.”

“Shut up.” That time, Louis did leap over to the stupid boy sitting at the stupid dining table and he did punch him in the nuts.

~

Harry and Louis were walking in the park together, both laughing at the fact Louis’ ass was sore as fuck and Harry’s dick was still tender. Apparently Louis can punch hard when he wants to.

Louis couldn’t help but notice both of them were shivering even though it really wasn’t that cold, and both of them kept tugging at their shirts to hide themselves, and both of them had to stop every now and then because they were getting dizzy. That didn’t matter though; they were keeping each other warm, they both understood each other’s need to conceal themselves and they were used to feeling dizzy.

“How much did you eat last night, Lou?” Harry asked suddenly.

“What? Like calories, or?”

“Like, just what did you eat?”

“Three bowls of pasta, two pieces of pizza and a piece and a bit of cake.” Louis mumbled, letting his disgust with himself spike his words with bitterness to express how he felt about the previous night’s meal.

“Do want to fast for the rest of the week?” Harry offered. Louis wanted to punch because people that perfect shouldn’t be allowed to exist.

“I would love that.” Louis pulled Harry in and kissed him with so much force and passion it surprised even himself.

“What a lovely date.” Harry mumbled against Louis’ lips and Louis couldn’t stop the grin that spread across his lips.

Louis had lost track of the time he’d known Harry. It seemed like he’d known him his entire life, when really it had been less than a year. He depended on Harry. Louis could finally admit that to himself. He needed Harry to survive, to be there when he felt like nothing else was. Harry was the only thing keeping him alive. He was no longer afraid to admit his love for the younger boy. Louis wasn’t sure what was special about him, to be honest. He didn’t know what set him apart from the rest. That didn’t matter, though. Louis had Harry and that was all he needed. It was HarryandLouis against the world and that was OK, because Louis didn’t need the rest of the world; not when his whole world came in the form of the perfect boy with his curly hair and endless green eyes and dimples and warmth that he radiated like the fucking sun. That was really all Louis needed and he was finally letting himself admit that he was completely, hopelessly, in love with Harry and that was OK.

~

“How are you feeling?” Harry asked the second Louis walked through the front door.

“Alright.” Louis mumbled, concentrating more on taking off his shoes.

“You sure?” Harry asked and Louis didn’t know whether he wanted to kiss or punch Harry for being able to see straight through is act.

“Nope.” Louis stormed past Harry and into the bathroom where he perched himself on the lid of toilet and buried his face in his trembling hands.

Without saying a word, Harry walked in and began digging around in what Louis assumed was the cupboard. A moment later, he was standing in front of him, holding out Louis’ scissors.

“I fucking love you.” Louis finally let himself cry. Harry sat with him the entire time he dragged those scissors across his body; both boys watching the crimson drops fall from the thin lines Louis was making on his skin. “So much.”

“I love you, Louis.” Harry whispered when Louis decided he was done; he dropped the scissors on the wet tiles and sat while the blood still continued to flow from his self-inflicted wounds.

Harry grabbed a wet face washer and began dabbing at Louis’ bare skin, cleaning up the blood but not touching the cuts. Harry understood that, although Louis was in pain, he didn’t want his cuts to be tended to. He didn’t make them so they would heal and be clean, his cuts were there to hurt and scar him; to be a constant reminder of his pain.

Wordlessly, Harry lifted Louis off the ground where he’d moved to sometime during his breakdown, and pulled him into a gentle, loving kiss. It was soft, but Louis could feel the desperate passion behind it. He could feel it in the way Harry would pull Louis’ bottom lip into his mouth and suck it between his teeth; the way small moans were sounding from deep within Harry’s throat; the way Harry’s fingertips were kneading Louis’ neck, then down to his back and his hips; the way Louis could tell Harry wanted more but wasn’t going to push it because he was putting Louis’ needs before his own. He could tell, through a simple kiss exchanged between two broken boys, how much each one needed and loved the other.

~

“So are you guys actually dating or?” Harry and Louis had decided, for some stupidly unknown reason, to go out and socialise with Louis’ friends.

The two boys exchanged a short, knowing glance, before looking back in the direction of the other’s surrounding them.

“No, actually, we aren’t.” Harry stated with a smile. Louis tried his hardest to stifle the giggle that escaped his lips when he saw the same look of shock replicated on each of his friend’s faces.

“But have you seen you two? We aren’t stupid, I mean…” one of them said; his sentence left unfinished.

“What’s the point in labels? Why can’t it just be two people who love each other and that’s the end of that? Really, though; why bother? I just don’t understand why everyone feels the need to sort everything- every relationship, every characteristic of someone- into a certain category. Despite popular opinions, life actually doesn’t work like that. It’s just not that simple. Why is that two people’s love life has to have a name and has to be announced and made into something official? Can we not just recognise our feelings for another and leave it at that? I don’t see why society has relationships lumped into the categories of “boyfriend”/”girlfriend”/”friends-with-benefits” and whatever else there is to place a label on two people’s love. I prefer to say, yes we are in love, and leave it as that. Don’t you see how much better the world would be without labels and stereotypes?”

Louis really, _really_ just wanted to kiss Harry then. The looks on his friends’ faces were absolutely priceless and Louis didn’t know whether to laugh at them because they looked so stupid or hit them all for trying to label his and Harry’s relationship or strip off his clothes and fuck Harry senseless right there. Instead he sat with the cheesiest grin he could make because _Harry Styles actually exists and he’s all Louis’._

“Shall we go for some lunch then?” Fuck. No. Why was he trying to change the subject? Why couldn’t they all sit there and debate stereotypes or something, anything but get _food_.

There was a chorus of ‘yeah, ok’ and if it weren’t for Harry squeezing his hand Louis was sure he’d be halfway home by now. It was OK. Louis wasn’t alone; he had Harry and Harry had him. They could do it. Well, at least that’s what they had to keep telling themselves.

“Something small, we can share.” Harry leaned over and whispered in Louis’ ear while they waited in line at the café their friends had chosen to eat at.

Louis gave Harry a short, tight nod. He would really have preferred to sit at home on tumblr or cuddle with Harry and watch crap TV. They were last in line so by the time they’d ordered a small salad to share everyone else was already eating.

“I can’t do this.” Louis’ voice broke and he was pretty sure he was overreacting a little.

“Yeah you can. We can eat half, so a quarter each, and then say we’ll eat the rest later. C’mon, Lou.” Harry gave him a reassuring kiss on the cheek, and though he was still a little scared at the thought of just eating in general, he felt a little better than before. Harry could just do those kinds of things to him.

“There is no one else in the world I’d rather spend the rest of my life with than you, you know that? I don’t care if we die of old age in our 90’s, or kill ourselves in 2 years; I want the rest of my life to be with you.”

“Don’t get all mushy on me, Louis. Let’s go.”

Louis pouted at Harry. Stupid dick; he was trying to be nice and Harry didn’t even care.

“Is that all you’re eating?” One of Louis’ friends- he seemed to be the one to always comment on their eating habits- asked when the two boys sat down. Louis tightened his hold on Harry’s hand to stop himself from telling him to go fuck himself.

“We had a big breakfast. We’ll take the rest home with us and finish it later or something.” Harry stepped in.

“You’d think with the amount of food you eat you’re anorexic or something.” He laughed.

Was he fucking serious?

“Why would you think that? We eat. You’ve seen us eat. I just told you we had a big breakfast and that’s why we’re sharing this. What led you to believe we’re anorexic? Are you sure you know the meaning, and might I add _seriousness_ , of the term anorexic?” Harry met his gaze with a tone so cold Louis was surprised the others didn’t pick up on it. If Louis didn’t know better, it would have sounded like Harry was curious as to why his friend made that comment. Louis did know better though. He knew how much that hurt Harry, as well as himself, and how much Harry would be trying not to kill the kid.

“Sorry, I just… You eat, you’re right. Just, we’ve never actually seen you eat much at all. And it seems possible, considering how skinny you boys are. You’re just bones.”

Oh.

“Just bones? Are you kidding me right now? What the fuck do you know about _just bones_? Have you ever seen someone who’s _just bones_? Because if you have then you’d know I’m not just bones. So have some fucking respect. Do you know how serious eating disorders are? Don’t be such a naïve dick. Jesus Christ.” By that time, Harry was squeezing Louis’ hand so tight he was pretty sure it’d have bruises. Louis was OK with that.

“Jesus, man. I didn’t know it was such a big issue with you. Have you really seen yourself though?” The boy reached across the table and moved Harry’s jacket, making his shirt cling to him in a way that exposed just how much his stomach caved in and his ribs protruded from his body. “Look at that. You aren’t even there.” Before Harry had a chance to react, he leaned over and lifted up Louis’ shirt. Fuck. No. “You’re even worse, Louis. What happened to you? I’ve known you for years and you were never this skinny.”

“Don’t you dare fucking touch him.” Louis was too shocked to move. He’d never heard Harry sound so angry, _ever_.

“What are you going to do? I’ve known him for years, you’ve known him for, what, a year? Less than that? What makes you think you can tell me what I can and can’t do to my best friend? I’m not trying to hurt him; I’m trying to _help_ him. I don’t think you understand that we’re all genuinely concerned for the both of you. We weren’t joking when we said you look like bones, you know.”

“We don’t need your help, you got that?” Harry ripped the other’s boys hand off Louis’ shirt and positioned himself so Louis was somehow being covered by Harry, as if he was being protected. Normally Louis would have hated it- being so controlled and manipulated- but in all honestly he loved that Harry cared that much to shield him, even from his own friends. Especially when the thing he was protecting Louis from was hurting Harry just as much.

Without another word, Harry and Louis stood up from the table and left the shop to begin the walk back to where Louis’ car was parked.

“I’m so sorry, Louis. I really shouldn’t-” Harry began, but was cut off by someone yelling Louis’ name behind them. Both boys turned around to see Louis’ friends (could they even be called his friend’s anymore?) running to catch up to them.

“The fuck do you want?” Harry snapped when they were within earshot, which earned glares from them all. Louis just laughed.

“A confession; we just want to know something about you two, one thing at least.” One of them tried to compromise.

“Like what?” Harry sighed and shifted himself slightly so Louis was behind him again. Louis decided Harry should argue with people more often if it meant he got protective.

“You either admit to being a faggot with Louis, or you admit to starving yourself. Which one is it? Or maybe, you have something else you’d like to share?”

“What the fuck does any of that have to do with you?” Harry spat and Louis tightened his hold on him.

“We’re just curious, that’s all. We think we all deserve to know considering Louis is supposed to be our best friend. Well, he was before _you_ came along. We hardly see him, and when we do he looks skinnier every time, and he’s constantly hanging off you.” The smirk that seemed to have become permanently fixed on his face grew when his eyes fell on Louis.

“What’s gotten into you? You’re acting like a bunch of fucking evil cunts!” Louis could feel Harry trembling the more he spoke. The saddest bit is, Louis’ anger was decreasing the more Harry got angry; all because it was _turning him on_. Since when did Louis _like_ this kind of behaviour? He’d always hated it. It was the reason he’d broken up with his ex before Harry. There was just something about Harry getting angry and protective that made Louis want nothing more than to make desperate, passionate love to him.

“Come here and say that.” He threatened, and Louis felt Harry tense under his hands.

“Harry.” Louis warned, but it was useless. He was already stalking towards the group and from the look of things, there was no stopping him. So Louis didn’t. Instead, he stood like the useless dick that he was as Harry released the anger he’d been holding in for years in one moment. Louis would’ve gone in to stop the fight, but honestly Harry was _fine_. He’d received a few punches, but nothing that looked too painful and plus he looked like he was beating the other’s. It was over in a few minutes anyway. All except one had run away pretty much as soon as the fight started, and the other was on the ground moaning in pain.

“Can we please leave now, Louis? He can stay there. He’ll be fine.” Harry wiped the blood off his face with his shirt. Louis nodded in response, so Harry took hold of his hand and gently led him to the car.

“Are you alright?” Louis asked when they were seated and he’d started the drive home.

“Yeah, I guess. How are you?” Harry asked, placing a tender kiss to Louis’ free hand.

“I’m good.” Honestly, he was. Seeing Harry fight for him made him feel happier than he had in a long time. Add that to the fact that Harry was being even gentler with him than usual and Louis could almost bear to say he felt happy.

~

When they got home, Louis was immediately pulled into a long, slow kiss. He was carried, without breaking the kiss, to his bedroom where Harry laid him down gently onto the bed. He broke the kiss only to strip them both of their clothes.

“My turn.” Louis told Harry, who nodded and handed a condom and lube to Louis. Louis, however, threw the condom on the floor; he needed it to be more personal which couldn’t happen when a piece of latex was separating them. Harry was happy to comply.

Somehow, despite the fact that Louis was fucking Harry up the ass (for lack of a better term), the entire exchange was gentle and filled with love until both boys hit their high almost at the same time.

When they’d gotten their breaths back and were lying side by side on Louis’ bed, staring happily into the other’s eyes Harry’s mouth slowly turned into a small grin that practically radiated love and warmth and sunshine.

“I love you, Louis Tomlinson.”

“I love you too, Harry Styles.” Louis replied with a cheeky wink.

~

The next few months passed by in a blur. Each day, surprising both Louis and Harry, their love for one another grew despite their doubts that it was even possible. Yet somehow, it was and it did and they didn’t regret a second of the time they spent together. He’d almost completely forgotten about his ‘friends’; he hadn’t seen them since that day at the café.

It wasn’t easy, of course; that would be extremely unrealistic and Louis would have been a little worried if that was the case. They’d argue, they’d cut, they’d starve; they could goes days without eating and were now covered in so many scars it was a wonder how no one at their work or universities noticed. It remained unspoken, but they both knew they were getting worse as time went on.

They’re undying love for each other was ever strong though; like nothing they’d ever experienced before. It seemed everyday they found new things about each other to keep that spark alive and unwavering. It was a love like no other.

“Louis?” Harry asked one day when they were cuddled on their shared bed in the early hours of the morning.

“Yeah babe?” Louis asked, turning so he could see Harry’s face properly.

“I want to take you on a date. Not like the other’s though. This one will be special. This one will last forever. How does that sound?”

“Harry what are you talking about?” The confusion was clear in Louis’ voice.

“Just let me take you out.” Harry replied, sighing.

“Sure thing.” Louis smiled and placed a tender kiss to Harry’s cheek.

So they stayed in bed for a little while longer because neither wanted to leave the other’s warm company. Eventually though they got up and got ready to go to this place so mysterious that even Harry wasn’t quite where it was.

Silently, they got in Louis’ car and Harry drove them out of town to somewhere where the countryside met the beach.

“Harry, where are we going?” Louis finally asked, deciding he didn’t want to wait any longer.

“I’m taking you to the ocean.” Harry said simply with an added wink.

“Dickhead.” Louis grinned and turned his attention back out the passenger window.

An hour later Harry had found the ‘perfect place for our date’ as he stated multiple times on their arrival. They trekked up the side of hill that looked out over the ocean. Louis felt it was necessary to congratulate Harry on his excellent choice of location. Harry shrugged it off and placed a soft kiss on Louis’ cheek.

That was how they spent the entire day: soft kisses exchanged between the two in between conversations about anything and everything. It was a simple day; an escape. There was no worrying about work or assignments or dickhead friends who thought they could control you. It was just LouisandHarry, HarryandLouis; no matter how you said it, it was perfect if there ever was such a thing.

“The sun’s nearly gone, Lou. We’ve been here all day.” Harry whispered.

“Thank you. Today was perfect.” Louis replied; it didn’t make sense. He didn’t care.

“Come have a look with me.” Harry stood up and held out his hand for Louis to take.

They walked hand in hand over to the edge of the hill, and Louis was surprised to learn only then that it was actually a cliff with a steep drop down to the ocean. Harry squeezed Louis’ hand, and Louis looked up at him with a small smile on his face before directing his attention to the sunset covering the horizon.

“It’s beautiful.” Louis mumbled and he wasn’t sure if Harry even heard him.

They weren’t sure how long they stood like that: staring with joined hands and hearts out at the never-ending ocean reflecting the soft colours of the setting sun. What they did know was the knowing look they gave each other sometime later; a look that said so much more than any amount of words could say.

Louis thought back to the first time they’d talked two years ago. Oh, how time flies. He was scared and uncertain and he needed an escape. He chose tumblr; out of all the possible options he chose to make a blog. Through it he found more than he needed, and he would be eternally grateful for that. Not only did he find his escape, he found the love his life; the only one that truly mattered.

They’d had some bumps along the way, but Louis could look back and honestly say Harry Styles, the strange kid who somehow knew exactly how Louis felt and worked, was the best thing to ever happen to him. He understood Louis just didn’t want to eat, and breaking his body was his way to cope with the world breaking his heart. They had a unique relationship; one like no other. Both boys were somehow managing to lift each other up yet at the same time be breaking each other down. That was OK though, as long as Louis had Harry forever, everything else was OK.

“I love you.” Harry said and planted a firm kiss that painted a thousand words to Louis’ lips.

“I love you too.” Louis replied.

They flew so high that day. So high they couldn’t feel the cold waves of the ocean below them. So high there was no chance they could ever come back down. That was OK though, because now Louis and Harry had each other forever. That was really all that ever mattered.

~

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it J

 I just want to say, if you have any thoughts or feelings that are similar to any expressed in this _please_ come talk to me or anyone else who you think can help you.

The song’s mentioned in here are:  
(Louis’ URL) Carousel- Linkin Park  
(Harry’s URL) Skin and bones- Marianas Trench  
(Title) Ever After- Marianas Trench

Thank you xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Louis wasn’t sure what state of mind he was in the day he made a tumblr (his URL was car0usel, which he very creatively took from a song with the same name- purely because he loved the song and he felt the lyrics suited him), but it was probably the best mistake he’d ever made. You see, even though he had absolutely no clue how the hell he even posted pictures let alone actually _worked_ the bloody thing and made a decent blog out of it at first, it eventually created an escape for him. It was an escape from the pressure of university assignments and classes, work and just life in general. It gave him a chance to escape into his own little world, even just for an hour, where he got to express himself through his blog.

This was where he found the tags on tumblr. More specifically, the self-harm and eating disorder tags. He knew it was stupid. He knew exactly what he was doing. He also knew it was everything he needed at the time. He needed to meet people like him; people with the same problems as him. He just needed someone who understood exactly what he was going through.

He felt like an idiot at first. Why was he even bothering trying to connect with these people, whose problems were so much worse than his? Hell, he didn’t even have anything exactly _wrong_ with him. He starved himself because he thought he was fat, he cut as punishment for binging or when he felt too numb. It was too simple to be a real problem though. Did he even cut for a good enough reason?  Were his eating habits bad enough to be an eating disorder? He didn’t even purge, or cut with a razor. Maybe he wasn’t even worthy enough of having a problem.

After a while though, he felt like maybe he fit in, even just a little bit. He’d found a few blogs who posted things he thought described him perfectly, he’d get plenty of notes  on pictures he’d post himself that he thought described him perfectly, and he’d even talked to a few people who knew how he felt. There was one person in particular he was especially fond of, who’s URL was make-me-skinand-bones (which he found very fitting, and also found a new band out of it when he learnt the URL doubled as song lyrics). He preferred to call this friend Harry though. It was simpler, and made him feel more connected to his new friend than it would have if he had to keep calling him “make me skin and bones” all the time.

He felt a little guilty when admitting it, but he preferred Harry over his non-tumblr friends. Aside from the fact that Harry knew every feeling Louis ever experienced, and not only accepted it but knew exactly how he felt, he was just so much easier to get along with. With his friends at uni and work he had to constantly be hiding himself: physically and emotionally. It was exhausting. With Harry though, he could always be completely _Louis_ and Harry would still love him (Louis tried not to think about how wrong it probably was that they’d never actually met or talked anywhere other than tumblr yet they could still admit they loved each other).

But whatever, it is what it is.

~

Louis adjusted his shirt for what he counted to be the eighth time that day; but he wasn’t keeping track or anything. That would be insane. He looked up when one of his friends spoke, asking if he was coming. Louis mumbled a quiet “yeah, sorry”, before sighing and following them to where his friends decided they would all be going for lunch. To say Louis was dreading it would be an understatement. He was just about ready to turn around and run; maybe get hit by a car or something on the way, who knows. That would be stupid though. Then they would know something’s wrong, and that couldn’t happen. He’d been doing this for 4 months already, he could do it now.

He put on the best fake smile he could muster and jogged up to his friends, joining in their conversation and laughing at whatever it was they were saying. He wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince he was fine: them, or himself.

Quicker than Louis would have liked, they arrived at the small coffee shop/café; located a few buildings down from their university campus. He walked in with his friends and tried his best to hide how much he would rather be anywhere but there. He stood at the back of the line behind all his friends, hoping it’d give him enough time to find something small.

Just as he arrived at the counter and the girl gave him a disgustingly friendly smile he blurted the first thing he saw that looked like it could pass.

Unfortunately, it was a chocolate muffin. Fuck.

Louis quickly handed the correct change to the girl and snatched the muffin from where she’d placed it in front of him on the counter. He mumbled a quiet thank you to her then tried to get a hold of his nerves before he reached the table where his friends were already seated and waiting for him.

“Is that it, Louis?” One friend asked, eyeing Louis suspiciously.

Louis gulped and gave a short, nervous laugh. “Yeah, not that hungry,” he lied. When no one said anything, Louis sat down and immediately whipped out his phone.

 _Harry, I bought a muffin and it’s fucking chocolate. What if I binge?_ He quickly typed to Harry. He prayed that Harry would see his message and reply before his friends noticed he hadn’t even touched his food since he sat down.

Louis’ eating habits were completely messed up, to put it lightly. See, he’d been told he was skinny all his life, and for a while he believed it. Then one day, it was like a switch was flicked inside of him and he started seeing every little flaw on his body. The thing was though, even when he hated himself as much as he did and tried his absolute hardest to restrict, he just could never bring himself to do so. He can’t even remember the last time he went a whole day without binging, or at least breaking his meal plan by snacking in the afternoon or something. He hated that almost as much as he hated himself. He just felt pathetic.

_Hey mate. Just pick at it for a bit. Nibble. Drink lots of water. If it’s in a container or something squish it down and throw it out when you’ve had enough. Hope this helped. Good luck, too. I know how hard it is to stop once you start, but I believe in you. Also, message me when you get home, I know you’ll want to cut. Love you xx_

Louis nearly cried at Harry’s reply. He understood him so well and it made Louis feel sick to his very core that someone as perfect as Harry was actually truly a part of his life.

For the first time in a long while, Louis didn’t finish that muffin. He picked at it for a bit; he nibbled; he drank lots of water; he squashed it into the paper it came in; he threw it out when he’d had enough. And Jesus Christ, did Louis love Harry at the moment.

~

 _Harry?_ Louis sent to his friend, hoping for an immediate response.

 _Yeah Lou?_ Louis sighed in relief when he received the message not a minute later. Louis paused, his fingers hovering over his keyboard as he tried to collect his thoughts and figure out exactly what he wanted to say to Harry. He’d had a bad day; a horrible day. He just needed to vent.

_I just hate everything. I hate being addicted to binging, but I hate being addicted to starving myself. I hate that I hurt myself as punishment, but regret loving the pain. I hate that I feel so little towards myself and my feelings, but have such high standards in other people. I just hate absolutely everything about me and this stupid ‘life’ I’ve given myself. That’s another thing I hate: the fact that I’m too much of a stupid pussy to cut or purge. What does that make me apart from absolutely useless? I’m too messed up to be normal, but I can’t even be messed up without screwing that up too. What the hell is wrong with me? I just hate everything about me. And no one gets it. I just feel so stupid and no one even knows. I hate wanting to distance myself from everyone, but not wanting to lose them. Am I really that bloody pathetic? Why can’t I just make up my mind?_

By the time Louis had finished typing his rant to Harry and pressed send with shaking hands, he was just about ready to break. He could almost _feel_ his heart slowly ripping apart. It was like everyone and everything that had ever hurt him, the ones who made him how he was, were all coming together and tugging on his heart, tearing it like paper and pulling the threads that had held it together for so long.

_I know, Lou. It’s OK. You’re OK. I promise. I know you don’t believe me at all, I definitely wouldn’t if I were you right now, but you need to know how much I care for you, OK? I know you’re confused and upset, but you will feel better soon. I promise x_

Louis cried harder. Without saying it, Harry told him it was OK to cut. It was just the way their relationship worked. _He will feel better soon._

With trembling hands and tears streaming free down his cheeks, Louis picked up his scissors from next to his bed. He stripped himself of his clothes and sat, trying to find the perfect place. Louis studied all his cuts and scars that were already scattered on his hips and arms, and the long line of them trailing all the way down his stomach from one particularly bad night. He gripped his scissors tightly, attempting to stop his hand from shaking, and placed them over his arm. He paused for a moment, before pressing the tip of the scissors to his arm until he could no longer see it. Afterwards, he yanked the scissors towards him, ripping a scarlet line into his arm. Almost instinctively, he put two fingers on either side and pulled apart his flesh to open up the wound. Louis grabbed his scissors again and traced the now bleeding cut with them. He giggled psychotically as the blood beaded on his arm and sent tingles shooting through his body. He repeated this 9 more times; 4 more in line with the first, and 5 on his hip. _That’ll do for tonight_ , he thought to himself. Louis wiped his scissors clean of his blood and bits of skin that got stuck and set them back next to his bed. _You’ve hurt yourself enough_.

~

Louis awoke to his phone buzzing lightly next to his bed. He kept one eye shut as he picked it up and squinted while he tried to clearly see the screen to type in his password. After a couple failed attempts, he finally got the message open.

 _Louis, I’ve decided to do distance ed with my uni._ Why would Harry need to do distance education with his university when he literally lived right next to the campus?

_Please don’t tell me it’s because you can’t be bothered to get out bed and walk the whole ten metres to your fucking classes, Harry._

_Don’t be a dick. It’s because I’m moving._ Harry shot back, and Louis was a little taken aback by how quickly he replied. Or maybe it was just because Louis didn’t function to his full potential until after about an hour of being awake that made it seem like Harry replied quickly. Whatever.

_Moving? Where to?_

_Guess._

Louis sighed. It was way too early to be playing games and Harry knew it, the stupid shit.

_I give up._

_You didn’t even guess, idiot._ Louis could picture him grinning like a stupid fuck at his phone and if he wasn’t living 136843 hours away Louis would punch him square in the nose.

_Fine. Holmes Chapel?_

_That’s where I already live, Louis._ Louis snickered. Oh yeah. _Do you want me to just tell you?_

YES YES YES YES PLEASE.

_Ok. If you really want to, Harry._

_London._ London. _I’m moving to London, Lou. I’m leaving this afternoon._

London.

Wait.

This afternoon.

_BUT THAT’S WHERE I LIVE. HARRY. HARRY I LIVE IN LONDON. HARRY._

_You’re so stupid in the morning, Louis._

_Wanker._

Louis may or may not have let his phone drop on the floor as he let go of it and threw himself back down onto his pillow. That didn’t matter though, because _Harry was moving to London. That afternoon._ Not only did they get to actually see each other in person for the first time ever, but they got to live in the same city and Louis didn’t know if he could handle that. He didn’t know if he would be able to cope knowing he would actually be able to see Harry in person, and that they wouldn’t be restricted to tumblr or texting on the rare occasions Harry was actually bothered to buy credit for his phone.

Louis’ phone buzzed again, but he ignored; until it buzzed again. He sighed and, maybe a little dramatically, rolled over and snatched his phone off the ground. It was only then that he realised it was buzzing a lot because his work was calling him. Ugh, no.

“Hello?” He tried to sound like he didn’t wake up a few minutes and didn’t want to punch his manager and whoever from his work was calling him. He wasn’t sure if it worked or not.

“Louis, are you available to come to work in an hour?” His manager asked in her overly cheerful voice that made Louis want to kill himself more than he already did (if that was even possible).

“Um, no sorry. I have personal matters to take care of.” He tried to make his excuse sound as sincere as possible. It’s not like he was actually lying, Harry moving was a pretty important personal matter.

“Oh, ok. No worries.” His manager hung up and Louis laughed a little because he could tell she was angry. That was ok though, because _Harry._

Louis sighed again. He was beginning to think sighing was becoming a habit of his. Oh well, he had a fair few habits he’d gotten into in the last few months; sighing a lot was the least of his worries.

Seeing as Louis had the day off work and didn’t have anything that he immediately had to do/ felt like doing for university he opened up his laptop and signed into tumblr. He found it a little sad that all he had to do was type in the letter t then press enter and it took him to his dash, but his life was a little sad so it kind of made sense.

The first thing he noticed when it opened was Harry’s recent text post: “moving to London today! Finally get to meet the person most important to my life. It’s a bit sad though, that we haven’t met and I rely on them like oxygen. Oooooooooppppppppssssssss. Ok bye loves xx” and he may or may not have gotten a tad choked up because Harry said Louis was the most important thing in his life and he _relied on him like oxygen._

_Like fucking oxygen._

~

The next few hours were hell to say the least. Louis was pretty sure if he didn’t get a text from Harry soon he would have gone mad. Luckily, at about 3 in the afternoon Harry texted him saying he’d just arrived in London and wanted to know Louis’ address so he could visit him. Instead, because Louis knew it would be too hard for Harry to try and find his house before dark, they arranged to meet at a park close to where Harry was staying until his flat was organised. So at 3:12pm Louis was reversing out of his driveway and almost speeding to the park where he would finally get to meet the only person that had had a significant, life-changing, ever-lasting impact on his life.

The entire drive there he was thinking _HarryHarryHarry,_ so when he got there and saw Harry sitting on a bench with his back facing him Louis almost crumbled like a biscuit. He needed something terribly witty and clever and funny to say to him so Harry wouldn’t see how he was actually trying really hard not to set himself on fire.

Unfortunately, the best he could come up with was a tap on the shoulder and an “excuse me sir, are you tumblr user make me skin and bones” with a stupidly cheesy grin plastered on his face.

“Louis…” Harry breathed and stood up. Louis was surprised to find the boy younger than him by a few years was a whole head taller.

“Hi.” Louis whispered. Why was it that he could tell this boy his darkest secrets, but when seeing him in person he couldn’t even greet him without having his breath taken?

“You’re tiny, Lou.” Harry laughed breathlessly, and patted Louis on the top of his head as if to prove his point.

“Ok.” Louis wanted to punch himself because that didn’t even make sense.

 Harry took a step back and Louis could finally get a good look at the boy Louis had been talking to for almost half a year. Not only was he tall, but he was gorgeous. His tight pants emphasised how long and skinny his legs were, and the shirt he was wearing was clinging in just the right places so Louis could see just how skinny this boy really was. He was really, _really_ skinny and Louis suddenly got a wave of jealousy and self-consciousness crashing into him.

Harry must’ve noticed Louis staring, because he tugged on his shirt so it hung off him in a way that you’d have no idea of his body shape. Louis knew that was the point.

“Louis.” He said it like a statement, but Louis felt the need to answer him anyway; if only to distract himself from trying to catch glimpses of Harry’s ribs under his shirt.

“Yeah?”

“Can you take me to your house?”

“Yeah.” And so he did.

~

Two hours later and Louis and Harry had gotten over the whole ‘we only just met and we have no idea how to act around each other even though we have been talking for months’ stage. They were sitting on Louis’ bed talking about, well, _everything_. Work, uni, school, family, friends, love: anything and everything. Louis loved how easy it was to talk to Harry. He would spend the rest of his life talking to Harry if he could.

In the short time they’d talked in person (Louis still couldn’t believe they were actually talking for real) Louis had already learnt every aspect of Harry’s life possible if he didn’t already know it before, and Harry had learnt the same about Louis. Like he’d learnt that Harry had one sister and Louis had four, and Harry’s mum had just gotten re-married and Louis’ was engaged to be, and Harry had no idea at all how he came to hate himself so much, just like Louis.

“Louis?” Louis had discovered that Harry seemed to always say his name before changing the subject; he wasn’t even sure Harry realised he was doing it but Louis decided he could add it to his ‘cute things that Harry does that makes me want to neck myself’ list that he’d made in his head when they met.

“Yeah, Harry?” Louis smiled up at the boy next to him. He looked beautiful with the afternoon sun shining onto him from Louis’ window.

“Can, um, can you…” Harry’s brow furrowed and Louis wondered if he was going to change his mind and not ask him whatever it is he wanted to know. “Can you maybe take your clothes off?”

He wanted Louis to take his clothes off?

Louis wondered if Harry misinterpreted his curiosity as offence or something when he hurried on with: “not in a sexual way! I just, I want to see what you look like.”

So, even though both boys were extremely self-conscious and covered in scars, they stripped in front of each other; their bodies glowing in the afternoon light.

“You’re so pretty Louis.”

Louis wasn’t even sure if he was meant to hear that, but Harry’s words had his eyes darting up to meet the gaze of the naked boy in front of him. Harry smiled, but not his usual cheesy grin that Louis had come to love; a small, soft one that radiated love and warmth and Louis just wanted bury himself in it.

Harry stretched out his arm and Louis could only stand in fascination as Harry’s fingers ghosted over his collar bones and ribs and hips and as much Louis wanted to hate that Harry was touching his body he just couldn’t seem to do it.

So, Louis felt it was only fair, he reached out his arm and began to do the same to Harry. He started at his collar bones, tracing his fingers over the bones that really shouldn’t be that easy to see. Then he counted Harry’s ribs, rubbing the last one so lightly Louis wasn’t even sure if Harry could feel it. Louis’ hands moved down to Harry’s jutting hip bones and ran his fingers over them as if they would shatter if he pressed any harder.  Louis felt bad that Harry couldn’t see this: all he saw was the fat that clung to his stomach and hips and covered his ribs; the same as Louis. Louis silently wished that Harry could see how beautiful he really was.

Louis closed his eyes and let his hands roam Harry’s body; placing tender touches to each of Harry’s too-prominent bones. He was concentrating more on the touches he was receiving from Harry: the way his hands massaged his collar bones and traced his ribs and rubbed circles in his back and hips. Normally Louis wouldn’t even let people touch him, especially naked; but Harry was different. Louis had no idea what it was, maybe that Harry understood him so perfectly, but he felt nothing but love and comfort in every gentle caress Harry was gracing his body with.

And fuck. Louis was in love.

~

Louis’ phone buzzed next to him and he smiled to see it was Harry calling. They’d become closer than ever in the last two weeks since Harry had first moved to London. He was still not in his flat yet (something about legal documents or whatever, it was really none of Louis’ business) so on the nights he really didn’t feel like staying at the motel he stayed on Louis’ couch. Louis didn’t mind: they’d stay up until around 10 each night then Harry would wake Louis with gentle touches before he had to go to work or uni and Harry had to do stuff for his flat, go job hunting or do uni work.

“Hello?” Louis asked, despite knowing who was on the other end.

“Louis, can I ask a favour of you?” Harry sounded desperate and maybe a little angry, which honestly surprised Louis a little.

“Yeah, of course.” Louis replied, curiosity and concern clear in his voice.

Harry explained how the legal documentation that needed to be done was sorting out the legitimacy of the sellers or whatever, and how it was all a fake. So basically, Harry was about to buy a house that he wouldn’t actually get. He’d just be paying other people’s bills and whatnot.

“Well you can’t live in a motel forever. What are you going to do?” Louis replied after ranting about how rude those people were and how they deserved to “burn in the fiery depths of Hell”.

“Not sure yet. I’m thinking maybe see if they have any flats I can rent until I find a new one. Honestly though, that’s too much effort and I don’t have the money, so I’m not too sure what to do there.”

Hearing the defeat in Harry’s voice made Louis’ heart start to do flips in his chest.

“Harry?”

“Yeah, Lou?”

“Do you maybe want to stay with me?” Louis tried to swallow the nervous lump that had grown in his throat; unfortunately it didn’t budge so he was left feeling sick and choked up while waiting for Harry to answer.

“Are you serious?” Louis could hear the smile in Harry’s voice, and he wanted to shoot himself then and there because he just couldn’t deal with Harry’s shit anymore.

“Yeah. If you want to…” Louis whispered, and he was surprised that Harry actually heard him.

“I’d like that very much. Thank you.”

They exchanged goodbyes and Harry hung up his phone leaving Louis sitting on his bed trying to stifle the giant grin attempting to force its way onto his face. It didn’t work.

~

“Harry why the fuck did you buy this, you know I’m going to binge on it! I thought you agreed to eating only low calorie shit to stop us from binging!” Louis really didn’t mean to raise his voice, especially at Harry, but he was just angry at himself for making Harry only buy celery and coke because Louis had zero self-control.

“It’s OK, Lou. I’ll throw it out or something. We don’t have to eat it if you don’t want us to. It’s alright.” Harry picked up the grocery bags and started to carry them out to the bin.

“Harry no wait!” Louis reached out his arm and stopped Harry from walking any further. He waited until Harry was facing him before continuing. “I’m sorry. It’s not like you went out and bought us bags of fat. Everything in there is healthy and I really had no reason to get upset about it.” Louis sighed and looked down at his feet. From his position he only saw the bags touch the ground and Harry’s feet step closer to his own. Louis felt a hand, Harry’s hand, under his chin and he lifted it up to meet Harry’s steady gaze.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” Louis could barely manage a whisper.

Without saying another word, Harry placed a gentle kiss on Louis’ forehead and began unpacking the groceries in the kitchen. Louis watched as Harry placed the final item in the fridge then stood for a few seconds before turning to face him.

“I thought we could just purge anyway. I only got this stuff so we had a bit of variety, like to taste at least.”

“Harry, I-“ Louis wasn’t quite sure how to put into words how he felt. Harry truly was thinking when he did it, and Louis was still a dick about it. He was about to run over and squeeze him or kiss him or whatever, when he was struck with another thought. “Harry, I can’t purge.”

“You can’t?” Harry looked up in confusion. Louis guessed that was one thing they didn’t share. Louis couldn’t purge. “What do you mean you can’t?”

“Like, I try and I gag then, I don’t know, I guess I just freak out and don’t actually let it come up. I just get thick spit.” Louis thought it was strange that if he were having this conversation with anyone else it would be extremely awkward and uncomfortable; but with Harry it seemed normal. He also thought that was a little depressing.

“Oh. Well that’s OK, it just means it might take a little longer for you to reach your goal weight I guess. You’ve got a good body anyway, Lou. I know how it feels to be told that though, and I understand that you’re not happy with it. You’re body, I mean. I’m just saying you don’t need to feel like you _have_ to purge or whatever. If you want the taste still you can just spit it out; that way you’re getting the taste but you don’t have to swallow it. I wouldn’t judge you for that or anything. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Sorry.” Harry smiled and looked down at his feet. Louis couldn’t decide if he wanted to punch him or kiss him.

“Thank you, Harry.” Louis wasn’t quite sure why he was thanking Harry, but it just felt right.

Harry looked up and met Louis’ gaze. They remained in that position for what Louis thought felt like forever; he didn’t mind though. Forever was a good amount of time to spend looking into Harry’s eyes.

“Louis,” Harry whispered and took a step towards him. Louis closed the gap between them, until all he had to do was lean forward the tiniest bit and he could do the one thing he’d been thinking of doing for a while now.

And so he did.

~

“Louis?”

Louis really wasn’t in the mood for, well, _anything_ , so he gave Harry a simple “mmm?” in response; so he at least knew he was kind of paying attention.

“Can we, um, you know…?” Louis raised his eyes from where he was picking at the fabric on his shirt to see Harry tapping a scar on his wrist.

Oh. That.

“I’d love to.” Louis stood up and followed Harry into their bathroom and watched as Harry closed the door. Louis opened the cupboard above the sink and pulled out the box at the back. He lifted up the lid and handed it to Harry. “Take your pick.”

Harry lifted up a razor from the box and handed it back to Louis, who picked out his favourite pair of scissors. He found it a little depressing that this was becoming almost ritualistic; but then again, their lives were a little depressing.

Louis watched as Harry stripped himself of his clothes and waited while Louis did the same. Both boys were now completely naked and on the verge of tears: a delightful combination.

They sat on the cold tiles and faced each other: weapons of destruction at the ready.

“Wanna talk about it?” Harry whispered; and that was how they spent the next hour: sitting on the chilled floor of their stained bathroom cutting their bodies, crying and confiding in each other.

The worst bit? They always looked forward to moments like these. It was OK thought; at least they had each other. It didn’t matter how bad they got, as long as they still had each other.

~

“We have a week left of university, we have to do _something_ to celebrate.” Louis was surprised to have received a call from one of his friends; he’d been spending so much time with Harry he’d almost forgotten about them. He probably would have too, if they weren’t all at the same university.

“No thank you. I’m sorry. I’ve just finished the last of my exams; I need to relax a bit.” In all honesty though, he just didn’t feel like going out.

“Harry’s coming.”

“You asked Harry before me?”

“I saw him earlier.”

“Oh.” Louis sat in silence for a moment; pondering his next move. “I guess I’ll go.”

“Excellent. I’ll pick you and Harry up at 6; we’ll meet the others there.”

Louis sighed and hung up his phone. Stupid Harry. He bet he didn’t even want to go; just said yes because he’s too nice to everyone to turn them down.

“Lou?” Harry called from where Louis assumed was somewhere near the front door.

“I’m up here.” Louis called back, and smiled when he heard Harry bounding up the stairs. Louis was almost positive that kid was part puppy or something.

Harry stopped in Louis’ doorway and smiled. Louis just waved him over and he watched in silence as Harry grinned and sat down on his bed next to him.

“Are we going out tonight?” Harry asked once he was seated.

“I think so. Do you want to?”

“I’m not sure, to be honest. I mean, it will be nice to celebrate us graduating, but I really do not feel like going anywhere.”

“Me either.” Louis sighed and rested his head on Harry’s shoulder. He smiled and closed his eyes when Harry’s hand immediately started playing with his hair.

“We can go for a little bit then leave, if you want?” Harry suggested. Louis nodded once before sighing as Harry continued to play with his hair.

They sat like that; their backs against the head of the bed, Harry’s hand in Louis’ hair, Louis’ head on Harry’s shoulder, for an hour, maybe a bit more. They were lost in each other; lost in the moment.

“Should we get ready then?” Harry finally whispered. Louis could only sigh in response as Harry’s comforting hand left his hair and he was gently pushed off his shoulder.

Louis watched as Harry began shuffling around the room, gathering the things he needed to get ready to go. Louis decided he probably should be too, so he grabbed some decent clothes from his wardrobe and threw them on; he was too lazy to shower. He could just have one when they got back.

Half an hour later, Harry was standing at the door to the room waiting for Louis to put his shoes on while his friend sat in the driveway beeping his horn with impatience.

“Tonight’s gonna be shit.”

“Let’s get it over and done with then.”

~

“Told you so.” Louis sniped as soon as he and Harry closed the front door.

Actually, it was more than just ‘shit’. It was a fucking nightmare. First, Louis realised Harry hadn’t met the majority of his friends so he had to deal with awkward introductions which he’d always hated. Then, one of Louis’ friends decided to bring up Louis’ lack of time spent with them at a _celebration_ , which put Louis in a bad mood. _Then_ , his friends ordered a fucking buffet which both Louis and Harry had to force down. So basically, Louis really wished Harry said no so then he could’ve said no and instead they could’ve spent the night in bed on tumblr.

“Louis?”

“Yeah Harry?”

Instead of replying, Harry surged towards him and placed his hands on Louis’ hips.

“Louis.” Harry said again, but Louis wasn’t sure if he was even meant to hear that.

Louis pressed his lips to Harry’s; they both knew that’s what they really wanted anyway. It began gentle, soft; soon however, it escalated into rough and messy and Louis could no longer tell which bits were Harry’s body and which were his as he was carried in a tangled, heated mess up to their room. Louis couldn’t control the moan that escaped his lips, not when Harry was on top of him and somehow they had no clothes on and Harry’s pupils were so dilated you couldn’t see any colour and Harry was _growling_.

“You ever done this before?” Harry growl-whispered in Louis’ ear and he couldn’t even concentrate on Harry’s words when his voice was just so damn _sexy_.

“Hmm?”

“Have you ever had anal, Louis?” Harry sighed and gave Louis a stupid, cheeky, dimpled grin and he really just wanted to kill himself; even more than usual.

“Oh. Yeah. Once or twice.” Louis shrugged. He wanted Harry to just do it already. And he also wasn’t about to tell him that he’d never done it with another actual person before. Not bottoming anyway.

“’Kay, good.” Harry said and grabbed lube and a condom from god knows where and began to lather his fingers in it.

Louis closed his eyes and let his head tip back as Harry slowly pushed his first finger in. He concentrated on it thrusting in and out before he felt another burst of searing pain and pleasure, which Louis realised was Harry putting another finger in.

“We gonna do this every time?” Harry asked and Louis wanted to hit him because was he really trying to have a conversation at a time like this?

“What do you mean?”

“Am I gonna be the one fucking you every time?” Louis wanted to hit him again. Why was this boy so blunt?

“Fuck, no I prefer to top. Can we talk about this later?”

Harry smiled and Louis couldn’t help the moan that escaped his lips as Harry slipped in a third finger.

“Ready.” Louis huffed out. Harry extracted his fingers and Louis whimpered in anticipation. He felt pathetic because he _whimpered_ , but he didn’t care. Harry was worth it. Harry wouldn’t judge. Harry was nothing but kind to Louis and he’d probably get turned on from having Louis whimpering underneath him anyway.

Louis shuddered at the absence of Harry’s body while he put the condom on and covered it in lube.

“Ready?”

“Ready.” Louis repeated. He gasped when he felt the tip of Harry’s cock trying to squeeze through his entrance.

“Relax, Lou.” Harry whispered and Louis immediately did what he was told. That was probably the first time ever Louis did what he was told without questioning it. Fuck you Harry.

If Louis were in any other more sensible circumstance he would have laughed because he said fuck you Harry while Harry was fucking him.

Haha. Fuck everything.

~

“How’s your ass, Louis?” Harry teased the next morning.

“Fuck off.” Louis grumbled and put his finger in the air.

“OK.” Harry grinned and if Louis wasn’t in such a fragile state he’d leap over to the stupid boy sitting at the stupid dining table and punch him in the nuts. Harry was actually lucky Louis’ ass was too sore to even walk properly. Stupid Harry and his insanely large dick.

“You have the day off today.”

“No shit.”

“Shut up. Let me finish.”

“Hurry up then.”

“Do you wanna do something? Today, I mean.”

“If you plan to have sex with me then no, no I do not wanna do something today, Harry.”

“I don’t mean that something you dick. I’m trying to ask you on a date if you’d quit being an asshole to me for one second.”

Oh. A date. They’d never actually been on a date before.

“I would love that. Thank you.” Louis’ tone softened and he honestly felt like he was about to cry.

“OK, don’t get all teary on me. I swear you’re like, secretly a hormonal girl or something.”

“Shut up.” That time, Louis did leap over to the stupid boy sitting at the stupid dining table and he did punch him in the nuts.

~

Harry and Louis were walking in the park together, both laughing at the fact Louis’ ass was sore as fuck and Harry’s dick was still tender. Apparently Louis can punch hard when he wants to.

Louis couldn’t help but notice both of them were shivering even though it really wasn’t that cold, and both of them kept tugging at their shirts to hide themselves, and both of them had to stop every now and then because they were getting dizzy. That didn’t matter though; they were keeping each other warm, they both understood each other’s need to conceal themselves and they were used to feeling dizzy.

“How much did you eat last night, Lou?” Harry asked suddenly.

“What? Like calories, or?”

“Like, just what did you eat?”

“Three bowls of pasta, two pieces of pizza and a piece and a bit of cake.” Louis mumbled, letting his disgust with himself spike his words with bitterness to express how he felt about the previous night’s meal.

“Do want to fast for the rest of the week?” Harry offered. Louis wanted to punch because people that perfect shouldn’t be allowed to exist.

“I would love that.” Louis pulled Harry in and kissed him with so much force and passion it surprised even himself.

“What a lovely date.” Harry mumbled against Louis’ lips and Louis couldn’t stop the grin that spread across his lips.

Louis had lost track of the time he’d known Harry. It seemed like he’d known him his entire life, when really it had been less than a year. He depended on Harry. Louis could finally admit that to himself. He needed Harry to survive, to be there when he felt like nothing else was. Harry was the only thing keeping him alive. He was no longer afraid to admit his love for the younger boy. Louis wasn’t sure what was special about him, to be honest. He didn’t know what set him apart from the rest. That didn’t matter, though. Louis had Harry and that was all he needed. It was HarryandLouis against the world and that was OK, because Louis didn’t need the rest of the world; not when his whole world came in the form of the perfect boy with his curly hair and endless green eyes and dimples and warmth that he radiated like the fucking sun. That was really all Louis needed and he was finally letting himself admit that he was completely, hopelessly, in love with Harry and that was OK.

~

“How are you feeling?” Harry asked the second Louis walked through the front door.

“Alright.” Louis mumbled, concentrating more on taking off his shoes.

“You sure?” Harry asked and Louis didn’t know whether he wanted to kiss or punch Harry for being able to see straight through is act.

“Nope.” Louis stormed past Harry and into the bathroom where he perched himself on the lid of toilet and buried his face in his trembling hands.

Without saying a word, Harry walked in and began digging around in what Louis assumed was the cupboard. A moment later, he was standing in front of him, holding out Louis’ scissors.

“I fucking love you.” Louis finally let himself cry. Harry sat with him the entire time he dragged those scissors across his body; both boys watching the crimson drops fall from the thin lines Louis was making on his skin. “So much.”

“I love you, Louis.” Harry whispered when Louis decided he was done; he dropped the scissors on the wet tiles and sat while the blood still continued to flow from his self-inflicted wounds.

Harry grabbed a wet face washer and began dabbing at Louis’ bare skin, cleaning up the blood but not touching the cuts. Harry understood that, although Louis was in pain, he didn’t want his cuts to be tended to. He didn’t make them so they would heal and be clean, his cuts were there to hurt and scar him; to be a constant reminder of his pain.

Wordlessly, Harry lifted Louis off the ground where he’d moved to sometime during his breakdown, and pulled him into a gentle, loving kiss. It was soft, but Louis could feel the desperate passion behind it. He could feel it in the way Harry would pull Louis’ bottom lip into his mouth and suck it between his teeth; the way small moans were sounding from deep within Harry’s throat; the way Harry’s fingertips were kneading Louis’ neck, then down to his back and his hips; the way Louis could tell Harry wanted more but wasn’t going to push it because he was putting Louis’ needs before his own. He could tell, through a simple kiss exchanged between two broken boys, how much each one needed and loved the other.

~

“So are you guys actually dating or?” Harry and Louis had decided, for some stupidly unknown reason, to go out and socialise with Louis’ friends.

The two boys exchanged a short, knowing glance, before looking back in the direction of the other’s surrounding them.

“No, actually, we aren’t.” Harry stated with a smile. Louis tried his hardest to stifle the giggle that escaped his lips when he saw the same look of shock replicated on each of his friend’s faces.

“But have you seen you two? We aren’t stupid, I mean…” one of them said; his sentence left unfinished.

“What’s the point in labels? Why can’t it just be two people who love each other and that’s the end of that? Really, though; why bother? I just don’t understand why everyone feels the need to sort everything- every relationship, every characteristic of someone- into a certain category. Despite popular opinions, life actually doesn’t work like that. It’s just not that simple. Why is that two people’s love life has to have a name and has to be announced and made into something official? Can we not just recognise our feelings for another and leave it at that? I don’t see why society has relationships lumped into the categories of “boyfriend”/”girlfriend”/”friends-with-benefits” and whatever else there is to place a label on two people’s love. I prefer to say, yes we are in love, and leave it as that. Don’t you see how much better the world would be without labels and stereotypes?”

Louis really, _really_ just wanted to kiss Harry then. The looks on his friends’ faces were absolutely priceless and Louis didn’t know whether to laugh at them because they looked so stupid or hit them all for trying to label his and Harry’s relationship or strip off his clothes and fuck Harry senseless right there. Instead he sat with the cheesiest grin he could make because _Harry Styles actually exists and he’s all Louis’._

“Shall we go for some lunch then?” Fuck. No. Why was he trying to change the subject? Why couldn’t they all sit there and debate stereotypes or something, anything but get _food_.

There was a chorus of ‘yeah, ok’ and if it weren’t for Harry squeezing his hand Louis was sure he’d be halfway home by now. It was OK. Louis wasn’t alone; he had Harry and Harry had him. They could do it. Well, at least that’s what they had to keep telling themselves.

“Something small, we can share.” Harry leaned over and whispered in Louis’ ear while they waited in line at the café their friends had chosen to eat at.

Louis gave Harry a short, tight nod. He would really have preferred to sit at home on tumblr or cuddle with Harry and watch crap TV. They were last in line so by the time they’d ordered a small salad to share everyone else was already eating.

“I can’t do this.” Louis’ voice broke and he was pretty sure he was overreacting a little.

“Yeah you can. We can eat half, so a quarter each, and then say we’ll eat the rest later. C’mon, Lou.” Harry gave him a reassuring kiss on the cheek, and though he was still a little scared at the thought of just eating in general, he felt a little better than before. Harry could just do those kinds of things to him.

“There is no one else in the world I’d rather spend the rest of my life with than you, you know that? I don’t care if we die of old age in our 90’s, or kill ourselves in 2 years; I want the rest of my life to be with you.”

“Don’t get all mushy on me, Louis. Let’s go.”

Louis pouted at Harry. Stupid dick; he was trying to be nice and Harry didn’t even care.

“Is that all you’re eating?” One of Louis’ friends- he seemed to be the one to always comment on their eating habits- asked when the two boys sat down. Louis tightened his hold on Harry’s hand to stop himself from telling him to go fuck himself.

“We had a big breakfast. We’ll take the rest home with us and finish it later or something.” Harry stepped in.

“You’d think with the amount of food you eat you’re anorexic or something.” He laughed.

Was he fucking serious?

“Why would you think that? We eat. You’ve seen us eat. I just told you we had a big breakfast and that’s why we’re sharing this. What led you to believe we’re anorexic? Are you sure you know the meaning, and might I add _seriousness_ , of the term anorexic?” Harry met his gaze with a tone so cold Louis was surprised the others didn’t pick up on it. If Louis didn’t know better, it would have sounded like Harry was curious as to why his friend made that comment. Louis did know better though. He knew how much that hurt Harry, as well as himself, and how much Harry would be trying not to kill the kid.

“Sorry, I just… You eat, you’re right. Just, we’ve never actually seen you eat much at all. And it seems possible, considering how skinny you boys are. You’re just bones.”

Oh.

“Just bones? Are you kidding me right now? What the fuck do you know about _just bones_? Have you ever seen someone who’s _just bones_? Because if you have then you’d know I’m not just bones. So have some fucking respect. Do you know how serious eating disorders are? Don’t be such a naïve dick. Jesus Christ.” By that time, Harry was squeezing Louis’ hand so tight he was pretty sure it’d have bruises. Louis was OK with that.

“Jesus, man. I didn’t know it was such a big issue with you. Have you really seen yourself though?” The boy reached across the table and moved Harry’s jacket, making his shirt cling to him in a way that exposed just how much his stomach caved in and his ribs protruded from his body. “Look at that. You aren’t even there.” Before Harry had a chance to react, he leaned over and lifted up Louis’ shirt. Fuck. No. “You’re even worse, Louis. What happened to you? I’ve known you for years and you were never this skinny.”

“Don’t you dare fucking touch him.” Louis was too shocked to move. He’d never heard Harry sound so angry, _ever_.

“What are you going to do? I’ve known him for years, you’ve known him for, what, a year? Less than that? What makes you think you can tell me what I can and can’t do to my best friend? I’m not trying to hurt him; I’m trying to _help_ him. I don’t think you understand that we’re all genuinely concerned for the both of you. We weren’t joking when we said you look like bones, you know.”

“We don’t need your help, you got that?” Harry ripped the other’s boys hand off Louis’ shirt and positioned himself so Louis was somehow being covered by Harry, as if he was being protected. Normally Louis would have hated it- being so controlled and manipulated- but in all honestly he loved that Harry cared that much to shield him, even from his own friends. Especially when the thing he was protecting Louis from was hurting Harry just as much.

Without another word, Harry and Louis stood up from the table and left the shop to begin the walk back to where Louis’ car was parked.

“I’m so sorry, Louis. I really shouldn’t-” Harry began, but was cut off by someone yelling Louis’ name behind them. Both boys turned around to see Louis’ friends (could they even be called his friend’s anymore?) running to catch up to them.

“The fuck do you want?” Harry snapped when they were within earshot, which earned glares from them all. Louis just laughed.

“A confession; we just want to know something about you two, one thing at least.” One of them tried to compromise.

“Like what?” Harry sighed and shifted himself slightly so Louis was behind him again. Louis decided Harry should argue with people more often if it meant he got protective.

“You either admit to being a faggot with Louis, or you admit to starving yourself. Which one is it? Or maybe, you have something else you’d like to share?”

“What the fuck does any of that have to do with you?” Harry spat and Louis tightened his hold on him.

“We’re just curious, that’s all. We think we all deserve to know considering Louis is supposed to be our best friend. Well, he was before _you_ came along. We hardly see him, and when we do he looks skinnier every time, and he’s constantly hanging off you.” The smirk that seemed to have become permanently fixed on his face grew when his eyes fell on Louis.

“What’s gotten into you? You’re acting like a bunch of fucking evil cunts!” Louis could feel Harry trembling the more he spoke. The saddest bit is, Louis’ anger was decreasing the more Harry got angry; all because it was _turning him on_. Since when did Louis _like_ this kind of behaviour? He’d always hated it. It was the reason he’d broken up with his ex before Harry. There was just something about Harry getting angry and protective that made Louis want nothing more than to make desperate, passionate love to him.

“Come here and say that.” He threatened, and Louis felt Harry tense under his hands.

“Harry.” Louis warned, but it was useless. He was already stalking towards the group and from the look of things, there was no stopping him. So Louis didn’t. Instead, he stood like the useless dick that he was as Harry released the anger he’d been holding in for years in one moment. Louis would’ve gone in to stop the fight, but honestly Harry was _fine_. He’d received a few punches, but nothing that looked too painful and plus he looked like he was beating the other’s. It was over in a few minutes anyway. All except one had run away pretty much as soon as the fight started, and the other was on the ground moaning in pain.

“Can we please leave now, Louis? He can stay there. He’ll be fine.” Harry wiped the blood off his face with his shirt. Louis nodded in response, so Harry took hold of his hand and gently led him to the car.

“Are you alright?” Louis asked when they were seated and he’d started the drive home.

“Yeah, I guess. How are you?” Harry asked, placing a tender kiss to Louis’ free hand.

“I’m good.” Honestly, he was. Seeing Harry fight for him made him feel happier than he had in a long time. Add that to the fact that Harry was being even gentler with him than usual and Louis could almost bear to say he felt happy.

~

When they got home, Louis was immediately pulled into a long, slow kiss. He was carried, without breaking the kiss, to his bedroom where Harry laid him down gently onto the bed. He broke the kiss only to strip them both of their clothes.

“My turn.” Louis told Harry, who nodded and handed a condom and lube to Louis. Louis, however, threw the condom on the floor; he needed it to be more personal which couldn’t happen when a piece of latex was separating them. Harry was happy to comply.

Somehow, despite the fact that Louis was fucking Harry up the ass (for lack of a better term), the entire exchange was gentle and filled with love until both boys hit their high almost at the same time.

When they’d gotten their breaths back and were lying side by side on Louis’ bed, staring happily into the other’s eyes Harry’s mouth slowly turned into a small grin that practically radiated love and warmth and sunshine.

“I love you, Louis Tomlinson.”

“I love you too, Harry Styles.” Louis replied with a cheeky wink.

~

The next few months passed by in a blur. Each day, surprising both Louis and Harry, their love for one another grew despite their doubts that it was even possible. Yet somehow, it was and it did and they didn’t regret a second of the time they spent together. He’d almost completely forgotten about his ‘friends’; he hadn’t seen them since that day at the café.

It wasn’t easy, of course; that would be extremely unrealistic and Louis would have been a little worried if that was the case. They’d argue, they’d cut, they’d starve; they could goes days without eating and were now covered in so many scars it was a wonder how no one at their work or universities noticed. It remained unspoken, but they both knew they were getting worse as time went on.

They’re undying love for each other was ever strong though; like nothing they’d ever experienced before. It seemed everyday they found new things about each other to keep that spark alive and unwavering. It was a love like no other.

“Louis?” Harry asked one day when they were cuddled on their shared bed in the early hours of the morning.

“Yeah babe?” Louis asked, turning so he could see Harry’s face properly.

“I want to take you on a date. Not like the other’s though. This one will be special. This one will last forever. How does that sound?”

“Harry what are you talking about?” The confusion was clear in Louis’ voice.

“Just let me take you out.” Harry replied, sighing.

“Sure thing.” Louis smiled and placed a tender kiss to Harry’s cheek.

So they stayed in bed for a little while longer because neither wanted to leave the other’s warm company. Eventually though they got up and got ready to go to this place so mysterious that even Harry wasn’t quite where it was.

Silently, they got in Louis’ car and Harry drove them out of town to somewhere where the countryside met the beach.

“Harry, where are we going?” Louis finally asked, deciding he didn’t want to wait any longer.

“I’m taking you to the ocean.” Harry said simply with an added wink.

“Dickhead.” Louis grinned and turned his attention back out the passenger window.

An hour later Harry had found the ‘perfect place for our date’ as he stated multiple times on their arrival. They trekked up the side of hill that looked out over the ocean. Louis felt it was necessary to congratulate Harry on his excellent choice of location. Harry shrugged it off and placed a soft kiss on Louis’ cheek.

That was how they spent the entire day: soft kisses exchanged between the two in between conversations about anything and everything. It was a simple day; an escape. There was no worrying about work or assignments or dickhead friends who thought they could control you. It was just LouisandHarry, HarryandLouis; no matter how you said it, it was perfect if there ever was such a thing.

“The sun’s nearly gone, Lou. We’ve been here all day.” Harry whispered.

“Thank you. Today was perfect.” Louis replied; it didn’t make sense. He didn’t care.

“Come have a look with me.” Harry stood up and held out his hand for Louis to take.

They walked hand in hand over to the edge of the hill, and Louis was surprised to learn only then that it was actually a cliff with a steep drop down to the ocean. Harry squeezed Louis’ hand, and Louis looked up at him with a small smile on his face before directing his attention to the sunset covering the horizon.

“It’s beautiful.” Louis mumbled and he wasn’t sure if Harry even heard him.

They weren’t sure how long they stood like that: staring with joined hands and hearts out at the never-ending ocean reflecting the soft colours of the setting sun. What they did know was the knowing look they gave each other sometime later; a look that said so much more than any amount of words could say.

Louis thought back to the first time they’d talked two years ago. Oh, how time flies. He was scared and uncertain and he needed an escape. He chose tumblr; out of all the possible options he chose to make a blog. Through it he found more than he needed, and he would be eternally grateful for that. Not only did he find his escape, he found the love his life; the only one that truly mattered.

They’d had some bumps along the way, but Louis could look back and honestly say Harry Styles, the strange kid who somehow knew exactly how Louis felt and worked, was the best thing to ever happen to him. He understood Louis just didn’t want to eat, and breaking his body was his way to cope with the world breaking his heart. They had a unique relationship; one like no other. Both boys were somehow managing to lift each other up yet at the same time be breaking each other down. That was OK though, as long as Louis had Harry forever, everything else was OK.

“I love you.” Harry said and planted a firm kiss that painted a thousand words to Louis’ lips.

“I love you too.” Louis replied.

They flew so high that day. So high they couldn’t feel the cold waves of the ocean below them. So high there was no chance they could ever come back down. That was OK though, because now Louis and Harry had each other forever. That was really all that ever mattered.

~

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it.  
> I just want to say, if you have any thoughts or feelings that are similar to any expressed in this please come talk to me (my tumblr is littleredcover) or anyone else who you think can help you.  
> The song’s mentioned in here are:  
> (Louis’ URL) Carousel- Linkin Park  
> (Harry’s URL) Skin and bones- Marianas Trench  
> (Title) Ever After- Marianas Trench  
> Thank you xx


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